TMI Warning: NSF anyone who might be offended by some particularly frank talk about my womanly parts. And please, to my boys, just skip this one. Trust me.

Imagine my shock (and his) when at the mature age of 37, newly single for the first time in fifteen years, and relishing in the aftermath of my first post-divorce coitus, I was politely informed, “Um, women tend to that stuff these days.” As in, shave it. Or wax it. Believe it or not, this was news to me. Married life can be somewhat akin to living under a rock, and my disbelief at what had apparently become the norm over the last decade or so was nothing short of mind blowing. Dumbfounded, I immediately said something to the effect of, “You are out of your goddamn mind if you think a razor is going near my hoo-hoo.” As the shock continued to settle in, I blurted out, “Why the fuck would I want to look like a prepubescent girl?!?” And then, maybe in an effort to even the playing field, he dropped the next bomb: man-scaping. “You shave your what?!? WHY? Wait. HOW???” For the love of God.

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I’m a grown-ass woman. I am quite happy in my adultness. And aside from an overabundance of bristly chin hairs, I’m perfectly ok with my mammal characteristics. All those years of Naked Sexy Time (let’s call it NST) and no one ever had a problem with my unkempt shrubbery. Nevertheless, faced with the possibility of sexual humiliation, I caved. Reluctantly, I tried shaving (NO thank you—who in the hell wants a prickly 5 o’clock shadow down there?). Once I even waxed (fuck a lotta that shit). Eventually I found a compromise. Armed with a Wahl trimmer, I’m quite happy with a well-groomed bush. Every now and then I slack off and get damn near to the point that a machete and compass might be necessary, but you know what? Ask me if I give a rat’s ass. The first man that turns down my love nest because I’ve got, god-forbid, HAIR, can go fuck himself.

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With somewhat regular grooming now a part of my routine, enter the next neurosis. All those years with a 70s porno bush and I really never gave any thought to what my lady bits looked like. They worked just fine, felt just fine, and they were discretely (some would say seductively) hidden behind a curtain of pubes. Start maintaining the shrubbery and now all those sexy folds and curves are full on exposed. And one might start to wonder if one’s parts are, well, presentable. The vulva is not particularly a pretty thing, and anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. (And guys, FYI, the schlong really isn’t either.) Throw in age and childbirth and, yeah, I’m not a teenager anymore. Thank god. So how’s that for a Catch 22? Here I am grooming in order to not get sexually disgraced, and for the first time ever I’m insecure about my parts.

Turns out I’m not alone. Sit and listen to just about any woman who’s ever exposed herself sexually for someone else, and I guarantee you she’s got some pretty deep hang-ups about her lady bits. Hang-ups created and reinforced by a society that thrives on brainwashing us to believe sexy looks a certain way.

Thank goodness for The Great Wall of Vagina, a fantastically fabulous work of art dedicated to improving women’s body image. There are no perfect labia. There is no perfect vulva (yes, it should technically be The Great Wall of Vulva, but well, China). No lips, flappy lips, pierced lips—guess what? They are all lips of love and each and every one of them gets the job done. I’ve been participating in NST for long enough, and I can honestly say no one has EVER walked away from, or complained about, my vagina. There’s not a damn thing arrogant about that statement, nor am I claiming it’s got magical properties. Just the simple truth, y’all. Mine is no more or less special than the next. Mind you, NST may not always be completely satisfying and there are a myriad of reasons why my partner or I might not get off, but I assure you, the appearance of my orifice is not one of them.

So please, love your lady bits, and whether you shave, wax, or rock the bush, do it because that’s what you want, not because society has deemed bald the new black.