Yeah, I just said that. It’s in my DNA, hard-wired in. I am genetically predisposed to be attracted to furry men. Hell, I’ll even overlook a hairy back, because let’s face it, you don’t typically get a nice hairy chest without at least a little carpet there on the backside. (I do realize many of you will be tempted to stop reading after that last statement…but, whatever, I’m all about the truth.) I come from hairy people. My dad was hairy. My brothers are hairy. My boys are hairy. Ferfucksake, give me a few days without tweezers and my chin would resemble that of a teenage boy. Which is why I don’t ever, EVER leave home without my tweezers. (I went searching for a funny pic to include here and well, DO NOT google female chin hair, trust me.)
Back when I was little, yeah this is the part where I tell a formative story about my dad and you start thinking that’s creepy AF and that I’ve got daddy issues, but I assure you it’s quite innocent. Anyway, we’d be at the community pool together and he’d hold me on his hip (I was like SIX y’all, get over it), and dunk us both. He was teaching me to swim and hold my breath, but what I remember the most was when we’d surface his normally wooly chest hair would be all straight and slicked down. But within seconds it would just magically POOF up again. It cracked me up, fascinated me, and I made him do it over and over.
So, ok, I have fond memories of my dad’s hairy chest. Is that why I’m only attracted to hairy men? Who knows, but the fact of the matter is, men who aren’t wooly don’t even register on my radar. And god forbid they have a pre-pubescent half-ass scraggly sorry excuse for a beard. Nope, not interested. It’s like my body simply says, “No thanks. Skip. Your seed will not do.”
I find it odd that facial hair has become super hip these days, yet ask most women if they like beards and the majority despise them. Not me guys, bring on the beard. A previous boyfriend had quite an impressive one. I used to love running my fingers thru it, especially while resting my head on his furry chest. One day though, he was eating breakfast and a tidbit of scrambled eggs fell into his beard. (Yes, THIS is the part where you can totally 100% judge me.) Instinctively, without missing a beat, I reached for it and…wait for it…popped that little morsel right into my mouth. I’ll give you a moment to digest that, pun intended. At the time it seemed like the most normal thing in the world. Like my inner primate had surfaced and hijacked all sense of modern-day decorum. Seconds later, however, I snapped back into the realm of you-don’t-eat-food-out-of-your-partner’s-beard and found myself equally mortified and hysterical at what just happened.
To make matters worse, I told a few girlfriends. Hell, I thought it was pretty fucking funny. And, let’s be honest here, I’m an open book when it comes to somewhat private matters. Well, the first friend I told honest-to-god threw up in her mouth a little. I’m quite sure she has never looked at me the same. Most others were damn near as disgusted. All of them proceeded to tell me how much they are repulsed by beards. They all share the same neurosis that somehow all beards are harboring god-knows-what kind of vile remnants of days-old food. (Obviously not, if I’m there to groom them. Heeheehe…) But that got me thinking, are they just as grossed out by a full head of hair?? Who knows what vermin could be nesting up there? I mean, unless the dude just doesn’t bathe, he’s (hopefully) washing the beard right along with his head. Actually, in my experience, guys tend to wash their beards more often than their hair. Mind you, the beard is a bit more likely to catch scraps, but come on, it’s not like a damn science experiment gone wrong in there. It’s just hair, ladies, and I happen to think it’s sexy AF.
Now, let’s talk goatees. Especially well groomed ones. As far as I am concerned the goatee is the mullet of the face. It’s as if the man can’t decide to be clean cut or rough and tumble so he goes for some kind of “business in the front, party in the back” equivalent. Make a choice, men. In my not-so-humble opinion, the one and only man who can pull off a goatee is the delectable Kayce Dutton himself. Y.U.M. To be fair though, it’s scruffy all around and only a goatee in that it’s slightly longer than the rest of his downright gorgeous facial hair. But goddamn, he wears it well.
And while we’re on the subject of grooming, I get it, hair creeping down your neck has to be a bit itchy, but hell, so is a 5 o’clock shadow. If you’re gonna shave the beard, shave it all. Enough with the neatly trimmed beards stopping just below the jawline. Let’s face it, the line is always wonky no matter how careful you are, and it just looks plain dumb. Let that shit grow where it wants to. Or shave it all off. That’s not to say the whole beard can’t be trimmed, just quit trying to tame it into something suited for the suburbs.
Clearly I’m a little opinionated about body hair. Maybe you’ve even read my earlier post about a different kind of grooming… Regardless, these are my thoughts, my quirks. You do you. But don’t expect a second look from me with that neatly trimmed face mullet.
What is AF? Lol Kat
As Fuck.. 😉